I'm kind, and I believe that itself is a curse. It makes me feel bound to unseen shackles. I'll admit that I feel like a slave to myself. I find it hard finding my own happiness because I'm obsessed with making someone else happy even if it were a stranger. Peace is hard for me to obtain because I'm always so stressed with someones problems. You might be saying one of two things to yourself: "she's crazy" or "aw, she's is kind." And let me assure you, both are correct.
First off, I'm emotional. If someone yells at me, I'll cry because I messed up. If too much responsibility is placed on me, I'll cry in fear of failing them. If I hit someone, I'll cry because I've hurt them. If someone gets hurt, I'll cry because I didn't manage to help them. If someone cries, I'll cry because I did that to them. Notice that all my sentences were possessive. I blame myself for everything, and when I say that I mean EVERYTHING. A cartoon such as Pokemon has the power to make me sob like a baby, a book like love me, forget me can do the same to me. Simple messages also, whether text or email will have me curled up and crying. It's just who I am.
Then goes my bubbly part. I'm a person who laughs far too much for her own good. I like laughing, it makes me warm inside. I like a person who can make me laugh. I swear I have wrinkles at the corners of my eyes, (I like to call them laughing lines) and my jaw usually hurts by the end of the day. My mom once told me "you laugh the same amount you cry." I suppose that is true because you will always find me doing either/or. If I'm angry, I'll be crying. If I'm happy, I'd be laughing. I suppose that saying goes well with me.
Now enough about this crying, and laughing, let's get back to the kindness factor. Now I have a question for you: can someone be so kind, that it hurts & ruins them.
I believe there is. I can look back at my past, see all my mistakes, and blame kindness on all of them. I did stuff I never wanted to do because I wanted them to be happy. I've held onto the past because I'd feel bad if I forgot them. I smile because they like it when I smile. I wear that kind of clothing, because they like that kind of clothing. When someone needs help, they know who to call: Neelab. It's because that girl just doesn't know how to say "no." I know it's alright to say that, to refuse to help someone, but maybe that person asking me for help really needs it.
I remember, my first day in working at ihop I got yelled at by a worker. And I wasn't doing anything, I was helping. But she yelled at me and helped me realize that I needed to do something to step up. She pulled me into the kitchen and held my shoulders and said, "you are getting paid for your job and your job only. Don't listen to anyone else, don't do anyone else work, and don't pick up after them. Neelab, don't be too kind or they take advantage of you." I couldn't help but to laugh and think about how right she was.
I find myself tumbling through a hole sometimes, a hole of confusion. I just wish I could be young again. Smaller, so little that it didn't matter what someone thought about you. I liked those times, times when I never cared about those who didn't care about me.
But I guess that's who I am, a girl with too much kindness.
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